“  ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”                                                      Alfred Lord Tennyson

               It is indeed true that being in love is different from just love, and that love is never lost- it may change but it still there. Being in love and being loved in return was one of the best things that happened to me, with all its sorrows and joys I never had any regrets that I learned to love that someone.  

I can find no exact words to describe how I felt. It was that calm feeling of watching the warm sun set home slowly over the horizon when you don’t know where you’re going, or staring at the bright full moon while walking in a dark empty street, or seeing the stars shine brightly overhead on top of a mountain after a day’s worth of hiking, or like winning a game when you thought you were going to lose, or passing an exam you expected to fail. It was also like walking blindfolded on a narrow ledge- you cannot be truly certain on what tomorrow might bring. It was a game of chance and choice and the risks are high, it was love for me.

               Our love did not grow out of a long friendship but I was always infatuated with him- there was just something with those eyes and smile that made me felt comfort. He was a year older than me so our paths rarely met since we had our own social groups, until chance brought us together and gave us a reason to keep on seeing each other again. We were physically attracted to one another and soon enough became intimate. He was already in college by then while I still had a year left in high school but we made sure that we spend some time together.  In the middle of our relationship he was always too busy, making the relationship cool. It was during the summer before I started college that the fire between us was rekindled, and this time it was stronger. Since he was going to the local college in our province while I studied in the city, whenever there was a long break I travel home to visit him.

 It was during those rare moments we were together that I learned to value time and to appreciate simple gestures - keeping them to last for the months that lay ahead, months that we were 200 kilometers apart. One evening as the full moon shone brightly, we were conversing over the phone talking about how beautiful the moon looked like- wishing we were together. Our love was like that- we may rise every day under the same sun, be shined upon by a night sky filled with a thousand stars, and witness a lot of other wonderful things always wishing that the person you love was there to share in your happiness- but it’s too far away.

Eventually the distance was just too far and the waiting too long- We broke up and now he’s happy with someone else. Our friends still tease us and say “Sayang…” yes it was a waste we didn’t hold on a bit longer but that was the best part of being in love- letting go. I only realized the extent of my love when I let him go. Over the long summer I met him unexpectedly in his hometown. I just crossed the road and when I looked back over someone shouting my name, I saw him. There was a bustling road between us and we were at opposite sides, he was headed north I was headed south. Another time I passed him by on the same road, I decided to pretend not to notice him but he called my name so I turned back and waved him goodbye. While waiting for our jeep, I was watching him- seeing him smile and laugh around made me smile, and as I departed I knew I made the right choice.

There are still times that I remember him out of the blue, and knowing that he’s in love with someone else brings me both pain and joy but what’s over is over, some things are better left where they are and it might take time to realize all this but once you do-it’s a new you.

In ROTC, one of our activities was wall and free-wall rappelling.  At first, I was dead nervous and felt so scared that I held tight to the ledge- I screamed and when I tried to let go I kept getting back- clutching as if I’d fall to death if I let go. After some time I realized I was getting nowhere- I had to make this decision by my own and trust in that decision. So I tried, I let go of the ledge and started rappelling and while hanging down from the rope I felt really good that I shouted out of pure joy. I did it and I can do it again. 

Ang Unang Tula

Napakadami ng kahulugang naihahayag ng salitang pag-ibig sa bawat isa sa atin. Napakamakapangyarihan rin nitong salita kung saan naman malaking epekto ang maaaring maidulot nito sa iisang indibidwal. Ang pag-ibig ay may iba't ibang klase ayon kay C.S. lewis (1960, 1988). Mayroong pagmamahal na base sa pagiging pamilyar at paulit ulit na interaksyon sa isang tao, mayroon namang base sa pagkakapareho ng interes na may kaakibat na kooperasyon, respeto at pagkakaunawa sa isa’t isa, mayroon ring pag-ibig na may pinagsamang tamis at pait at yung huling klase na kung saan ay ang isang tao ay nagmamahal ng walang hinihintay na kahit anumang kapalit. Marami pang ibang klase ang pag-ibig bukod pa rito ngunit sa ngayon, ito na lang muna ang ating pagtutuunan ng pansin.

Isang katangian ng pag-ibig na aming nagustuhan ng aking kasintahan ay ang pagiging malaya nito. Ang pag-ibig ay walang pinipiling kasarian. Para sa kanya, ako raw ang nakapagbukas ng kanyang mga mata mula sa nakakapangbulag na pagkamuhi sa salitang ito. Hindi ko alam kung galit ba siya sa pag-ibig na pangmagkarelasyon kasi nakikita ko naman sa kanya na sobra ang pagmamahal niya sa sarili niya pagdating sa kanyang pamilya. Mayroon daw palang pag-ibig dahil sa akin. Nahanap niya ang pag-ibig sa isang taong kagaya ko. Sakripisyo, isa rin daw ito sa mga ginagawa ng pag-ibig sa isang tao. Panganib, lagi ring may kaakibat na panganib ito.. Napakatotoo rin daw nito dahil siya at ako ang bumubuo sa pag-ibig para sa kanya.

Sa kabila nito, ano nga ba ang kahulugan ng pag-ibig sa sakin? Simple lang naman. Siya ang aking pag-ibig. Oo, mahal ko rin naman ang aking pamilya pero alam nating lahat na magkakaroon rin sila ng iba pang pamilya bukod sa atin. Magkakahiwalay hiwalay rin ang bawat miyembro nito. “Iba!” Iyan ang salitang palaging nasa isipan ko sa tuwing kasama ko siya. Nag-iiba kasi lahat. Yung lungkot sa aking mukha ay napapawi at napapalitan ng malaking ngiti. Sobrang saya ng bawat araw na makakasama mo siya. Iba nga naman talaga ang naidudulot nito sa tao ano? Nagkakaroon ka ng inspirasyon para mangarap pa ng mas mataas sa buhay makasama lang siya. Magpupursige ka sa lahat ng ginagawa mo. Isang magandang ehemplong naibibigay nito ay sa aking pag-aaral, pano ba naman kasi, gugustuhin mong bigyan siya ng magandang kinabukasan. Hindi ko akalaing matuto rin akong magmahal ng ganito. Mahal ko talaga siya.

Ano nga ba ang unang tula? Sa aming paaralan ay may isang organisasyon na mahilig sa pagsusulat ng mga tula at kung anu-ano pa. Kabilang siya dito sa organisasyong ito. May maliit na programa silang inihahanda taun-taon. Pilit niya akong inaaya sa pangayaring magaganap na ito. Mapapersonal na pag-aanyaya o mapa-internet man ay talagang gusto niya akong makadalo. Sa wakas at napapayag niya na rin ako. Pagkadalo namin sa programa ay bigla siyang lumapit sa isa pang kamiyembro ng kanyang organisasyon at nagpalista. Mga ilang minuto pagkatapos nun ay tinawag siya di umano ng taong nagsasalita sa harapan. Nakita ko sakanya nakinakabahan siya at dahil dun, bigla na rin akong kinabahan. Nagsalita siya, “CC..” Iyan pala yung pamagat ng kanyang tula. Maluha-luha ako sa unang tulang ibinigkas niya sa harap ng madla. Ang tamis ng bawat salitang nasa loob ng kanyang ginawang tula. Walang katulad. Sa loob loob ko ay, hindi ko maipaliwanag ang kaganapan. Magulo ngunit naliwanagan ako. Nakakalungkot yung ibang parte ngunit pinasaya rin ako na may tao palang pinahahalagahan ako. Hindi ko mailalahad ang eksaktong tulang ginawa niya sa akin dahil sa kasamaang palad ay nalimutan ko kung saan ko nailagay ito. Sa sobrang ayaw ko na makita to ng iba, sa sobrang damot ko, ito tuloy ang nangyari. May tiwala naman akong mahahanap ko siya uli. Pero, kung sakali mang hindi ko na siya mahanap, ayos lang dahil nasa akin parin naman siya. Nandito lang naman siya sa tabi ko. Hindi ko naman kailangan ng mga salita niya. Siya lang, sapat na. Pagkatapos nung programa ay umuwi na kami agad ng nagtatawanan at sobrang saya.

Ang pagmamahalan namin ay hindi normal sa mga mata ng maraming tao. Ngunit sa kabila nito, hindi namin hinahayaang masira ng ibang tao ang pagmamahal na para sa amin ay walang ginagawang masama. Nagpapakatatag kami dahil ginusto namin ‘to. Dahil mahal namin ang isa’t isa. Mahirap man ang sitwasyon naming kinakaharap dahil hindi pa ito tinatanggap ng lahat ng tao pero malaki ang tiwala namin na kaya naming tibagin ang mga pader na humaharang sa aming harapan.

Napakarami ko pang nais sabihin ngunit ayaw ko sa puro salita lang. Mas gagawin kong mas marami ang gawa kaysa sa salita. Ang pag-ibig ay walang pinipiling tao. Wala itong pinipiling kasarian. Basta’t alam mo sa sarili mo na mahal mo siya, wag na wag mong papakawalan ang isang tao hangga’t pwede ipaglaban. Normal lang sa isang relasyon na nagkakatampuhan. Huwag niyo lang hahayaang isa ang kikilos para maayos ito, sa lahat ng bagay ay dapat kayong dalawa ang magdedesisyo, dapat palaging pinag-uusapan ng mahinahon ang lahat at dapat mahalin mo ang tao kung ano siya. Kung pipili man ako ng isa sa klase ng pagmamahal na binigyang kahulugan ni C.S Lewis, ang pipiliin ko ay yung pag-ibig na walang hinihintay na kapalit. Ganyan ang pag-ibig naibinibigay ko sakanya.

Reference:
                Lewis,C.S. (1960.1988) Study Guides to The Four Types of Love, Retrieved on 22 May 2015 from

LOVE

“Love is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgment and decision.”

- Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving

Love. Almost everybody likes the idea of falling in love. According to some romance novels, the story of people who are in love is that people suffer at first yet they become happy in the end and be with the person they are in love with. Some would want to have this love story even though it is very common already. Well, it would actually make them happy. Being in love and being loved by the same person is equal to happiness, some might say. But there is actually a quote by Jim Morisson which says “People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts.”. Love hurts. But people still want to fall in love. According to Abraham Maslow in his Hierarchy of Needs, once we fulfill our Physiological Needs and Social Needs, next is our need to belong and love. People cannot live without having connections on other people.(Baumeister, 2005) To some, as well as feeling love.

A friend of mine was actually obsessed with falling in love with someone and making the same person fall in love with him. He wanted to be in love as soon as he can because that is what he thinks would make him happy. I got angry to him because the presence of his friends and family was not enough to make him feel happy. Maybe, I thought, there was something more that he was looking for. When we were in our Fourth Year High School, he fell in love with a Third Year High School student. I thought that this person who he was in love with will finally satisfy him and be happy. But no, their relationship fell apart. I actually do not know whose fault it was, but I did not blame any side. I just thought that they were somehow stupid and they’re too young to fall in love. In our first year in college, he fell in love again. This time, he was really happy being with this person. They worked things out. And I thought that finally, there was somebody that was going to make him happy. While I was here in Baguio, I heard good news about their relationship. They were really happy. Last April, I found out that my friend was depressed. They broke up. My friend did not ended their relationship, the other person did. Another friend of mine told me that the problem was determining which would be the woman and the man in their relationship because they are both bisexuals. Yes, my friend is a bisexual. They both wanted to be the woman and be taken care of by their partners. In the end, they also did not work out.

Indeed, falling in love with the right person in the right time would make us happy. But when can we know the right time and the right person? We won’t. Taking risks is not bad in finding the right person. Pain is fearful but after all the pain we will feel, we may find the right person in the end. It is said that there is a destined person for each of us. After all the suffering at first, we will be happy being with the person we are in love with in the end. Like the cliché Romance Novels.

Reference List:

Fromm, E. (1965). The Art of Loving. New York: Harper & Row.

Morisson, J. (2015). Berlin-artparasites Facebook Page. Retrived from https://www.facebook.com/berlinartparasites?fref=ts

Baumeister, R.F. (2005). The cultural animal: Human nature, meaning and social life. New York: Oxford University Press

Father

“When I was a kid, I really did not get the idea of a mother and father, even the word family. I don’t know what was our relationship with each other.” Anne, an alibi, said as I asked her how she grew up without a father. “When I was in Grade 1, we had this assignment which we will recite who is our father, mother, grandmother, etc. And I did not know that my mother’s mother is my grandmother. I did not know those simple things. And since I grew up with my cousin, I called my uncle, his father, papa sometimes. Then my cousin taught me how to make letter envelopes. Then I thought of writing a letter for my mother. In that letter, I asked who is my father. After I gave it to my mom, she told me that she will tell me someday. But I don’t want to meet him anymore. We are already fine without him.” For the past two years, I saw that the lack of father in her family was not a problem. I have met her mother and, actually, there family is like a normal one. The presence of a father is not actually needed.

My first memory of my father is I thought that he was just my mom’s friend that was why he was in our house. But I did not want him near my mother. Whenever he was near us, I hugged my mother and placed some distance between him and us. As I grew up, I found out that he is actually my father, not just a friend of my mother. He is actually a supportive father. In our early years, he was abusive. I still remember when I was eating dinner one night, he threw a stick on my leg for a reason I did not know. My mom and dad used to fight. And there was one fight which was the most terrible of all the fights they had. My siblings and I did not know the reasons behind these fights. I thought that they were going to get separated, that I was going to grow up without a father and that this family would never be a normal loving family. I did not know how it happened but he changed. He became more caring and loving as a father. They did not get separated. Our family is still whole, and somehow, we became that normal loving family that I thought would never happen. As we grew up, our father supported us. He always tell us that we should work hard and someday, we will find a nice job that would support our own family in the future.

Because fathers are procreators, they tend to control their sons or daughters life. And everyone does not want to be controlled. I have noticed that most of the people I met who have family problems hated their fathers. It was because he was not caring and loving enough for them. Society tell us that mothers are the one who takes care of the family and gives the emotional resource and the fathers give the other resources needed in the family. I’m not going to blame society. I’m not going to blame the fathers, as well. It would depend on the father on how they should act. Even though there is already this stereotype about fathers, my father chose to become a household father as well as a working father. This kind of father may be criticized by society but they choose this to take care of the their family. And as his daughter, it actually helped me. When I was a kid, I also felt the lack of my father’s love because I never felt it. Because they always fight. But now he has changed, I can feel his love. And it helps motivate me to strive hard and reach my goal. As for Anne, she said that she did not need to meet her father. She grew up without him. And I can see how strong she is without the support of her father. When I was thinking that she has no father, it made me sad. I thought that she may feel incomplete, lacking that father’s love. But, no. She is stronger than me. They’re able to live without him.

Three Cs to Make A Marriage Last

 Three Cs to Make A Marriage Last

(As understood from Mayor Domogan’s Speech on a wedding reception)

Last May 26, my friends and I attended a wedding and the consequent wedding reception of one of our ka-ili-an (kababayan). During the reception, we were able to see a glimpse of how traditional practices and church ceremonies were able to blend harmoniously with one another in the union of man and woman and their respective cultures. It was a grand wedding. The theme was red and the reception was held at the Gymnasium of Easter College, the immediate members of the family were seated on front while there were tables at the center for guests and godparents such as City Mayor Mauricio Domogan- it was he who gave advice to the newlyweds on how to make their marriage last. According to him a wedding lasts when you have three Cs in it.

Communication- it is important that couples talk about their problems or misunderstandings instead of keeping a barrier of silence. It is a basic rule to every relationship as its builds a bridge of understanding and trust for the each other. For example when the husband comes home late at night drunk he has to tell the wife where he has been. He shares that when he comes home drunk he has to listen to his wife’s litany patiently and silently “Kala nga na-pat-owan nga aso” (like a dog who has been  hit-cowering with his tail between his feet) with his head bowed since the more he tries to argue the more his wife would talk and get mad. When one of the couples have to work later than usual they also have to inform the other to prevent unnecessary worry.

Courtship- marriage doesn’t stop when you get married instead a man forever courts his wife until they die. The sweetness and loving you have shown to get your wife you have to continue to assure that your wife’s loyalty. While it is true that each of them might get busy in their respective work the couple should still find time for each other to keep the flames burning since the absence of courtship might lead to infidelity. He again shares his own experience with his wife that after last night’s fight or getting home drunk; he has to lambing his wife in the morning or after her anger has cooled, thus making peace with her.

Commitment- both man and woman have to stay committed to their civil and church vows. Whenever the couple fights they always have to remember that they are wed- they took their vows witnessed by the judge, church, and the public. For this and for the children they have to keep their word. They must not take another into their arms when for example the other has to work far away while the other is left behind. One has to remember the good more than the bad- not counting the wrongs the other has done. One has to remember that at one point they loved that person enough to marry them and for everything that was shared between them they have to stay committed.

After the messages to the couple was the dinner and giving of gifts or supon. As we left, the gangsa continued to play in celebration of the wedding while the rain outside softened and eventually ceased.

Crazy Beautiful You

          In every society, there is culture. Culture varies from place to place. It is acquired and learned. Socialization is the process of learning the culture. (Eitzen and Zinn, 1991) It starts at birth and ends at death. As we dissect its parts, we'll learn that one of the primary agents of socialization is the family. With here, we start the discussion about how the enculturation in the family either be accepted or rejected by its members using several theories as our lenses in analyzing their behavior. 

          The story of Crazy Beautiful You started with a rebellious teenager, Jacqueline Pascual. Jackie grew up in a broken family. She was left in her father's place while her mother and brother went abroad. By her father having married again for the second time, she became the middle-born in her family. Base on Frank Sulloway's Birth-Order Effect, almost all the traits especially the feeling of being unloved and neglected manifested in Jackie. The abandonment of Jackie's mother of her family led to something that made her rebellious. She reacted against everything that her father wants and treated him as if nothing. She became more attached to her peers and the social media. On the other hand, there is Kiko. He also came from a broken family. He was the oldest son of their town mayor's second family. But as opposed to Jackie, Kiko remained as a loyal son to the mayor and even acted as his right hand in helping the residents especially the indigenous people. As Sulloway's theory has stated, some traits has also manifested in him. (e.g., good leadership, determined, pressured, and people pleaser) I believe that this biological explanation for Jackie's rebellion and Kiko's loyalty may be a part of a person, but what makes a person a 'person' really is built in her/his socialization process. 

          One theory which fits this topic is George Herbert Mead's "The Social Self". This theory believes that the 'self' or a person's perception about herself is built by how social experience develops an individual's personality. Jackie's first most extreme social experience happened when she was still a young girl. Her parents got in to fight and decided to separate. Her mom left with her older brother and she felt devastated for being left with her father who is not really emotionally attached to her. She grew up with only her nannies taking care of her deprived of a mother figure and a father's love. She then started to see herself or her 'self' to her peers who badly influenced her. She became a social deviant because of this experience. But if we are to analyze Kiko's experience, the result will be the other way around. In Kiko's case, he was empowered. He reacted to that social phenomenon, positively. He didn't let the issue take over him and manipulate him. Instead, he used it to become the source of his strength and against his inability to helping people because of his economic status. He became the role model for her siblings and almost everybody in their town. 

          Both Jackie and Kiko were shaped by their social experiences inside their homes. They experienced almost the same case but came out differently. They were socialized by their families in a way other 'normal' families would differently do. The way they acted out in the socialization process that they undergone could I either bring a positive or negative impact that the culture they are forming and/dealing with if passed to future generations.

“‘It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" - Alfred Lord Tennyson-

                     It is indeed true that being in love is different from just love, and that love is never lost- it may change but it still there. Being in love and being loved in return was one of the best things that happened to me, with all its sorrows and joys I never had any regrets that I learned to love that someone.  

                    I can find no exact words to describe how I felt. It was that calm feeling of watching the warm sun set home slowly over the horizon when you don’t know where you’re going, or staring at the bright full moon while walking in a dark empty street, or seeing the stars shine brightly overhead on top of a mountain after a day’s worth of hiking, or like winning a game when you thought you were going to lose, or passing an exam you expected to fail. It was also like walking blindfolded on a narrow ledge- you cannot be truly certain on what tomorrow might bring. It was a game of chance and choice and the risks are high, it was love for me.

                Our love did not grow out of a long friendship but I was always infatuated with him- there was just something with those eyes and smile that made me felt comfort. He was a year older than me so our paths rarely met since we had our own social groups, until chance brought us together and gave us a reason to keep on seeing each other again. We were physically attracted to one another and soon enough became intimate. He was already in college by then while I still had a year left in high school but we made sure that we spend some time together.  In the middle of our relationship he was always too busy, making the relationship cool. It was during the summer before I started college that the fire between us was rekindled, and this time it was stronger. Since he was going to the local college in our province while I studied in the city, whenever there was a long break I travel home to visit him.

 It was during those rare moments we were together that I learned to value time and to appreciate simple gestures - keeping them to last for the months that lay ahead, months that we were 200 kilometers apart. One evening as the full moon shone brightly, we were conversing over the phone talking about how beautiful the moon looked like- wishing we were together. Our love was like that- we may rise every day under the same sun, be shined upon by a night sky filled with a thousand stars, and witness a lot of other wonderful things always wishing that the person you love was there to share in your happiness- but it’s too far away.

Eventually the distance was just too far and the waiting too long- We broke up and now he’s happy with someone else. Our friends still tease us and say “Sayang…” yes it was a waste we didn’t hold on a bit longer but that was the best part of being in love- letting go. I only realized the extent of my love when I let him go. Over the long summer I met him unexpectedly in his hometown. I just crossed the road and when I looked back over someone shouting my name, I saw him. There was a bustling road between us and we were at opposite sides, he was headed north I was headed south. Another time I passed him by on the same road, I decided to pretend not to notice him but he called my name so I turned back and waved him goodbye. While waiting for our jeep, I was watching him- seeing him smile and laugh around made me smile, and as I departed I knew I made the right choice.

There are still times that I remember him out of the blue, and knowing that he’s in love with someone else brings me both pain and joy but what’s over is over, some things are better left where they are and it might take time to realize all this but once you do-it’s a new you.

In ROTC, one of our activities was wall and free-wall rappelling.  At first, I was dead nervous and felt so scared that I held tight to the ledge- I screamed and when I tried to let go I kept getting back- clutching as if I’d fall to death if I let go. After some time I realized I was getting nowhere- I had to make this decision by my own and trust in that decision. So I tried, I let go of the ledge and started rappelling and while hanging down from the rope I felt really good that I shouted out of pure joy. I did it and I can do it again.

Taga-Amo courtship: A courtship practice in Pangasinan

Taga-Amo courtship: A courtship practice in Pangasinan

                                                                                     

         Various forms of courtship and marriage practices have been noted among Filipinos.

          

          There are eight  modes of courtship common to Pangasineses and these includes serenading, reciting verses, writing of love letters, sending of gifts, flowers and other symbolic objects like two carved hearts held by an arrow, visiting, go between and  involves an object known as Taga- amo which means potion or drink.

          

          Taga-amo courtship should be taken to mean courtship by means of charm and its Tagalog term is Panggayuma.

         

          Taga-amo is not only meant to be drunk but it can also be in a form of oil dipped in herbs. When the oil is rubbed on a woman’s skin, it is believed that this woman will be a slave in love even if she hates the man at first. Pangasinan is located at the foot of the Mountain Province; that’s why it seems that the sources of the love potions are the Igorots and other tribes in the Mountain Province.

      

          Taga-amo could be related to the strictness of the parents. No touch policy of parents is not merely towards conservatism or puritanism but to avoid the danger of one’s daughter falling to the evil charms of the Taga-amo. This practice has no scientific basis yet, but the fact that it was widely believed in the province provides a reason that it is true and effective.

          

          Courtships don’t always result to tragic situations wherein the lover threatens to commit suicide because usually she confesses her feelings. It is only after marriage that suicide is discovered to be a palabas or put on an act. There’s no choice but for things to happen that way because the girl who immediately reciprocates is looked upon with low standards.

          

        

From us, To women who will marry soon

Violence in the family

Mrs. B., a legal secretary from New Jersey

“… got her first black eye from her husband two weeks after their marriage, after an argument. Her husband went to bed. She turned on the light. Infuriated, he smashed the radio, stereo, coffee table, then clapped his hands sharply over her ears, bursting an eardrum. She told her friends she had been hit in the face with a surfboard. He last beat her when she was seven months pregnant, knocking her down a flight of stairs, rupturing her spleen, necessitating an operation, and causing premature delivery of the infant” (W. King, 1977, in Schaefer, 1983).

Wife battering, child abuse, elder abuse, and other forms of domestic violence are common happenings in a family. According to the family therapist Robert Marks, “Violence in the home is nothing new at all. What has happened is that, for the first time, it is being discussed outside the home” (W. King, 1977, in Schaefer, 1983).

Sociologists have stated that domestic violence is hard to measure because people are reluctant to turn in their family members to the police. A researcher has stated that 20 to 40 percent of couples seeking divorce seek divorce because of the physical abuse that happens in their relationship. “Three other studies, including one in Canada, revealed a similar incidence of violence among married couples who were not contemplating divorce.” Moreover, in 1980, 16 percent, more than 2000, of murder victims in America were killed by their own family members (Department of Justice, 1981; Steinmetz, 1975; Strauss et al., 1979, in Schaefer, 1983).

According to the sociologist Murray Strauss’ estimation, at least 8 million Americans are assaulted every year by members of their family. He observes: “For any typical American citizen, rich or poor, the most dangerous place is home” (Time, 1979, in Schaefer, 1983).

“That’s no lady. That’s my wife!”

“A classic field experiment in violence involved ‘spontaneous fights’ staged by the researcher on public streets” (Borofsky et al., 1971, in Hess, Markson, & Stein, 1991). “There were four different scenarios: two women fighting, two men fighting, a woman beating a man, and a man beating a woman.” The goal was to observe the reactions of the bystanders. It could be expected that male bystanders are more willing to intervene than female bystanders but none of the male bystanders stopped the man who was beating a woman. At that time, the late 1960s, the experimenters thought that it might be that the male bystanders did not intervene because of the “uniqueness” and “ridiculousness” of the sight. The experimenters also allowed the possibility that the male bystanders did not intervene because they enjoyed seeing a man hurt a woman (Hess, Markson, & Stein, 1991).

When students were asked why the male bystanders did not stop the man from hurting the woman was maybe because the woman was the wife of the man. It can be concluded that a man has a right to use physical force on his wife, even in public. “This conclusion is supported by recent research on the ‘drunken-bum’ theory of wife beating, in which it was found that although excessive drinking was associated with abusive behavior, it was a much less significant factor than the cultural approval of violence by men against women in general and wives in particular” (Kantor & Straus, 1987, in Hess, Markson, & Stein, 1991). Excessive drinking and the accepted use of violence are more done by the working-class than the middle-class males (Hess, Markson, & Stein, 1991).

From us, To women who will marry soon

The two articles tell us that domestic violence, especially violence towards women or wives, do happen in families. It does not happen only in America or other foreign countries but also in the Philippines. It has even been concluded in the article "That's no lady, That's my wife!" that men are having the right to use physical force on their wives, even in public.

Knowing the fact that domestic violence, especially the violence towards women or wives, do exist, you, women, who will soon marry must be careful in choosing the man that you will marry. Before marrying a man, make sure that he loves you sincerely that he will not think of hurting you, emotionally and physically. Again, be careful in choosing him!

Reference List

Hess, B. B., Markson, E. W., & Stein, P. J. (1991). Sociology (4th ed.). New York, 

       New York: Macmillan Publishing Company.

Schaefer, R. T. (1983). Sociology. United States of America: McGraw-Hill, Inc.