“‘It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" - Alfred Lord Tennyson-

                     It is indeed true that being in love is different from just love, and that love is never lost- it may change but it still there. Being in love and being loved in return was one of the best things that happened to me, with all its sorrows and joys I never had any regrets that I learned to love that someone.  

                    I can find no exact words to describe how I felt. It was that calm feeling of watching the warm sun set home slowly over the horizon when you don’t know where you’re going, or staring at the bright full moon while walking in a dark empty street, or seeing the stars shine brightly overhead on top of a mountain after a day’s worth of hiking, or like winning a game when you thought you were going to lose, or passing an exam you expected to fail. It was also like walking blindfolded on a narrow ledge- you cannot be truly certain on what tomorrow might bring. It was a game of chance and choice and the risks are high, it was love for me.

                Our love did not grow out of a long friendship but I was always infatuated with him- there was just something with those eyes and smile that made me felt comfort. He was a year older than me so our paths rarely met since we had our own social groups, until chance brought us together and gave us a reason to keep on seeing each other again. We were physically attracted to one another and soon enough became intimate. He was already in college by then while I still had a year left in high school but we made sure that we spend some time together.  In the middle of our relationship he was always too busy, making the relationship cool. It was during the summer before I started college that the fire between us was rekindled, and this time it was stronger. Since he was going to the local college in our province while I studied in the city, whenever there was a long break I travel home to visit him.

 It was during those rare moments we were together that I learned to value time and to appreciate simple gestures - keeping them to last for the months that lay ahead, months that we were 200 kilometers apart. One evening as the full moon shone brightly, we were conversing over the phone talking about how beautiful the moon looked like- wishing we were together. Our love was like that- we may rise every day under the same sun, be shined upon by a night sky filled with a thousand stars, and witness a lot of other wonderful things always wishing that the person you love was there to share in your happiness- but it’s too far away.

Eventually the distance was just too far and the waiting too long- We broke up and now he’s happy with someone else. Our friends still tease us and say “Sayang…” yes it was a waste we didn’t hold on a bit longer but that was the best part of being in love- letting go. I only realized the extent of my love when I let him go. Over the long summer I met him unexpectedly in his hometown. I just crossed the road and when I looked back over someone shouting my name, I saw him. There was a bustling road between us and we were at opposite sides, he was headed north I was headed south. Another time I passed him by on the same road, I decided to pretend not to notice him but he called my name so I turned back and waved him goodbye. While waiting for our jeep, I was watching him- seeing him smile and laugh around made me smile, and as I departed I knew I made the right choice.

There are still times that I remember him out of the blue, and knowing that he’s in love with someone else brings me both pain and joy but what’s over is over, some things are better left where they are and it might take time to realize all this but once you do-it’s a new you.

In ROTC, one of our activities was wall and free-wall rappelling.  At first, I was dead nervous and felt so scared that I held tight to the ledge- I screamed and when I tried to let go I kept getting back- clutching as if I’d fall to death if I let go. After some time I realized I was getting nowhere- I had to make this decision by my own and trust in that decision. So I tried, I let go of the ledge and started rappelling and while hanging down from the rope I felt really good that I shouted out of pure joy. I did it and I can do it again.