Gift of Life

Sometimes we can’t help falling in love with someone who reminds us of someone to we used to love, and still love- that’s what I keep telling myself when I wonder why mama got pregnant by another man. I was nine when my father died and I never questioned why she never remarried. No one expected that she would get pregnant and not marry or introduce the guy and she just kept silent about the matter. Regardless of reason I learned to love my half-sister, conceived when I was seventeen.

               I was in third year high school when mama came to my room and asked me, “Would you like another sibling, a boy?”

               At first I thought the idea romantic- my mom finding some guy who happened to have a family and that the boy is older than I am so I have a kuya but another ading is fine- so I replied, “Yes.”

               I was surprised when her tummy was getting bigger and she said nothing about another family or stepfather, just that we were having a baby sister. At first I was upset because there was no stepfather but got over it easily because I can’t imagine loving someone as I love my papa. Then the baby was younger than me, being the eldest among us two and among my other cousins and having no age-mate made me ate and until wish now I had a kuya so that for once I don’t have to think about my sister and my younger cousins and be the one cared for instead.

               It was during Christmas on 2012 that Mahayana Amanda was born. She was one hairy creature with big eyes that kept on crying, and needed to be sung and cradled to sleep for hours. At first I thought she was a disturbance- there was always something to do for the baby and it was only recently that I got over this feeling of resentment over her. My younger sister even got mad at me because I acted as if the baby was not our sister.

 I was so scared because it was just supposed to be me, my sister, and my mom then suddenly it’s all about the baby- I was jealous like I never had been in my life. My mom was suddenly home all of the time unlike before where she just left us and the sense of freedom and authority me and my sister had enjoyed were now gone because there was the baby to think of. But I was so afraid the baby to me was about being tied down at home and I don’t want that. My sister on the other hand, being the ading, enjoyed and loved being an ate.

I still don’t understand why I felt that, but it was when I saw our baby sister start to walk, hear her talk or laugh, and just reach out to me that I started to see her as she was- a little girl with big beautiful eyes looking for comfort and love and giving it; she is adorable. Our relatives started asking who was the father and wanted to look into her face judging who she looked like and from that deduce who might be the father. It was at that moment when she was seated in my arms and hid her face from them that I realized- how come she is just a child still learning about the world about her and yet people look at her already with scorn for being born out of wedlock? It was then that I knew I had to protect her because she was my sister- I don’t care if we don’t have the same father as long as we have the same mom. After all, it was just us now- like my mother used to tell me and my sister when we quarrel “Kayo-kayo na nga lang nag-aaway pa kayo? (It’s just the two of you now and you still get to quarrel?)”, why would I turn her away?

Now my youngest sister, Yana, is three years old and whenever we go out other people think she is my baby, well she is our baby- mine, my sister’s and my mother’s. Among other things, she is pretty, has a knack for placing all her toys in her bag “Fixing” them, loves being tickled, and lastly loves pretending to be Anna in the movie Frozen.

Before she came, me my mom and my sister kept to our own rooms most of the time- we rarely talk so there was a lot things happening in our own private lives that the other does not know. It was only when Yana was born that we started to become a family again- going to church, watching movies, and just being together for each other. I was afraid for her, for us, and for myself but she opened up my heart and made me face my fears, for that I love her. Sometimes love does come around, and when it does learn to embrace it in whatever form it may be.