From us, To women who will marry soon

Violence in the family

Mrs. B., a legal secretary from New Jersey

“… got her first black eye from her husband two weeks after their marriage, after an argument. Her husband went to bed. She turned on the light. Infuriated, he smashed the radio, stereo, coffee table, then clapped his hands sharply over her ears, bursting an eardrum. She told her friends she had been hit in the face with a surfboard. He last beat her when she was seven months pregnant, knocking her down a flight of stairs, rupturing her spleen, necessitating an operation, and causing premature delivery of the infant” (W. King, 1977, in Schaefer, 1983).

Wife battering, child abuse, elder abuse, and other forms of domestic violence are common happenings in a family. According to the family therapist Robert Marks, “Violence in the home is nothing new at all. What has happened is that, for the first time, it is being discussed outside the home” (W. King, 1977, in Schaefer, 1983).

Sociologists have stated that domestic violence is hard to measure because people are reluctant to turn in their family members to the police. A researcher has stated that 20 to 40 percent of couples seeking divorce seek divorce because of the physical abuse that happens in their relationship. “Three other studies, including one in Canada, revealed a similar incidence of violence among married couples who were not contemplating divorce.” Moreover, in 1980, 16 percent, more than 2000, of murder victims in America were killed by their own family members (Department of Justice, 1981; Steinmetz, 1975; Strauss et al., 1979, in Schaefer, 1983).

According to the sociologist Murray Strauss’ estimation, at least 8 million Americans are assaulted every year by members of their family. He observes: “For any typical American citizen, rich or poor, the most dangerous place is home” (Time, 1979, in Schaefer, 1983).

“That’s no lady. That’s my wife!”

“A classic field experiment in violence involved ‘spontaneous fights’ staged by the researcher on public streets” (Borofsky et al., 1971, in Hess, Markson, & Stein, 1991). “There were four different scenarios: two women fighting, two men fighting, a woman beating a man, and a man beating a woman.” The goal was to observe the reactions of the bystanders. It could be expected that male bystanders are more willing to intervene than female bystanders but none of the male bystanders stopped the man who was beating a woman. At that time, the late 1960s, the experimenters thought that it might be that the male bystanders did not intervene because of the “uniqueness” and “ridiculousness” of the sight. The experimenters also allowed the possibility that the male bystanders did not intervene because they enjoyed seeing a man hurt a woman (Hess, Markson, & Stein, 1991).

When students were asked why the male bystanders did not stop the man from hurting the woman was maybe because the woman was the wife of the man. It can be concluded that a man has a right to use physical force on his wife, even in public. “This conclusion is supported by recent research on the ‘drunken-bum’ theory of wife beating, in which it was found that although excessive drinking was associated with abusive behavior, it was a much less significant factor than the cultural approval of violence by men against women in general and wives in particular” (Kantor & Straus, 1987, in Hess, Markson, & Stein, 1991). Excessive drinking and the accepted use of violence are more done by the working-class than the middle-class males (Hess, Markson, & Stein, 1991).

From us, To women who will marry soon

The two articles tell us that domestic violence, especially violence towards women or wives, do happen in families. It does not happen only in America or other foreign countries but also in the Philippines. It has even been concluded in the article "That's no lady, That's my wife!" that men are having the right to use physical force on their wives, even in public.

Knowing the fact that domestic violence, especially the violence towards women or wives, do exist, you, women, who will soon marry must be careful in choosing the man that you will marry. Before marrying a man, make sure that he loves you sincerely that he will not think of hurting you, emotionally and physically. Again, be careful in choosing him!

Reference List

Hess, B. B., Markson, E. W., & Stein, P. J. (1991). Sociology (4th ed.). New York, 

       New York: Macmillan Publishing Company.

Schaefer, R. T. (1983). Sociology. United States of America: McGraw-Hill, Inc.

“Gusto RIN kita.”

Ito na siguro ang mga katagang pinakahihintay marinig ng isang tao mula sa kanyang hinahangaan. In fact, hindi naman masamang mangarap di ba?

Lahat naman tayo nagkaroon na ng taong masasabi nating minsan nang nagpangiti at nagpakilig sa atin. Yung tipong gagaan ang sirang sira mong araw kapag nakatabi mo lang siya sa pila sa canteen. O kaya naman ay sa simpleng ngiti o “hi” lang mula sa taong yun, tila ba sasabog ka na sa sobrang kilig hanggang sa dumating sa puntong hindi mo na alam ang sasabihin mo kapag kausap mo siya dahil sa kabang nararamdaman mo kapag nakaharap mo na siya.

Anuman ang ating kasarian at estado sa buhay ay tiyak na dumaan tayo sa ganitong punto. May kanya-kanya tayong basehan ng pagkahanga sa isang tao. Ang gwapo sa akin ay maaaring pangit pala sa iba. Ang mabait sa akin ay boring pala sa iba. Marahil dahil ito sa pagkakaiba-iba natin ng mga gusto sa buhay. Dahil na rin sa mga aspekto na nakakaapekto sa pagkahumaling natin sa isang tao. Tulad na lamang ng kung gaano kayo kadalas magkita at kung gaano kalapit ang distansya ninyo sa isa’t-isa. Hindi ka naman maaaring magkagusto sa isang taong hindi mo pa nakikita. Samakatuwid, ang mga bagay na swak sa akin ay maaaring hindi pala pasok sa trip ng iba.

Ang pagkakaroon ng crush ay maaari nating ihalintulad sa pagsakay natin sa isang roller coaster sa mga sikat na pasyalan. Unang sulyap mo palang sa roller coaster ay tiyak na makakaramdam ka na ng kaba. Kaba na baka sa pagsakay mo rito ay baka mahulog ka dahil sa pangambang hindi matibay ang iyong sasakyan. Sa puntong naka-upo ka na at unti-unti mo nang mararamdaman ang pag-andar ng sinasakyan mo bigla ka nalang makakaramdam ng excitement. Kasabay naman ng pagbagal at biglaang pagbilis ng sinasakyan mo sa bawat matataas na parte ng roller coaster ay mararamdaman mo ang paglakas at pagbilis ng tibok ng puso mo. Bigla bigla ka nalang mapapasigaw sa pagtahak nito sa iba’t ibang kurba na siya nitong sinusundan. Mapapatili ka, mapapahawak sa iyong katabi at kapag nasa kalagitnaan na ay maiisipan mo nalang na umayaw at bumaba na dahil hindi mo na kaya. Sumasabay ang bilis ng roller coaster sa pagkabog ng iyong dibdib. Sa hinaba haba ng mga pangyayari, kapag natanaw mo na ang lugar na pagbababaan mo ay bigla mo nalang mararamdaman na unti unti na palang nawawala yung excitement habang unti unting humihinto ang roller coaster.

Ganyan magkaroon ng isang taong hinahangaan. Makakaramdam ka ng tuwa, takot at kaba at kung minsan ay sasakit pa ang iyong puso sa di mo maipaliwanag na dahilan. Ngunit kapag natapos na ang ilang minutong pagsakay mo sa roller coaster, ngingiti ka nalang at masasabi mo nalang sa sarili mo ang mga katagang, “Nakaya ko.”

Gift of Life

Sometimes we can’t help falling in love with someone who reminds us of someone to we used to love, and still love- that’s what I keep telling myself when I wonder why mama got pregnant by another man. I was nine when my father died and I never questioned why she never remarried. No one expected that she would get pregnant and not marry or introduce the guy and she just kept silent about the matter. Regardless of reason I learned to love my half-sister, conceived when I was seventeen.

               I was in third year high school when mama came to my room and asked me, “Would you like another sibling, a boy?”

               At first I thought the idea romantic- my mom finding some guy who happened to have a family and that the boy is older than I am so I have a kuya but another ading is fine- so I replied, “Yes.”

               I was surprised when her tummy was getting bigger and she said nothing about another family or stepfather, just that we were having a baby sister. At first I was upset because there was no stepfather but got over it easily because I can’t imagine loving someone as I love my papa. Then the baby was younger than me, being the eldest among us two and among my other cousins and having no age-mate made me ate and until wish now I had a kuya so that for once I don’t have to think about my sister and my younger cousins and be the one cared for instead.

               It was during Christmas on 2012 that Mahayana Amanda was born. She was one hairy creature with big eyes that kept on crying, and needed to be sung and cradled to sleep for hours. At first I thought she was a disturbance- there was always something to do for the baby and it was only recently that I got over this feeling of resentment over her. My younger sister even got mad at me because I acted as if the baby was not our sister.

 I was so scared because it was just supposed to be me, my sister, and my mom then suddenly it’s all about the baby- I was jealous like I never had been in my life. My mom was suddenly home all of the time unlike before where she just left us and the sense of freedom and authority me and my sister had enjoyed were now gone because there was the baby to think of. But I was so afraid the baby to me was about being tied down at home and I don’t want that. My sister on the other hand, being the ading, enjoyed and loved being an ate.

I still don’t understand why I felt that, but it was when I saw our baby sister start to walk, hear her talk or laugh, and just reach out to me that I started to see her as she was- a little girl with big beautiful eyes looking for comfort and love and giving it; she is adorable. Our relatives started asking who was the father and wanted to look into her face judging who she looked like and from that deduce who might be the father. It was at that moment when she was seated in my arms and hid her face from them that I realized- how come she is just a child still learning about the world about her and yet people look at her already with scorn for being born out of wedlock? It was then that I knew I had to protect her because she was my sister- I don’t care if we don’t have the same father as long as we have the same mom. After all, it was just us now- like my mother used to tell me and my sister when we quarrel “Kayo-kayo na nga lang nag-aaway pa kayo? (It’s just the two of you now and you still get to quarrel?)”, why would I turn her away?

Now my youngest sister, Yana, is three years old and whenever we go out other people think she is my baby, well she is our baby- mine, my sister’s and my mother’s. Among other things, she is pretty, has a knack for placing all her toys in her bag “Fixing” them, loves being tickled, and lastly loves pretending to be Anna in the movie Frozen.

Before she came, me my mom and my sister kept to our own rooms most of the time- we rarely talk so there was a lot things happening in our own private lives that the other does not know. It was only when Yana was born that we started to become a family again- going to church, watching movies, and just being together for each other. I was afraid for her, for us, and for myself but she opened up my heart and made me face my fears, for that I love her. Sometimes love does come around, and when it does learn to embrace it in whatever form it may be.