Taga-Amo courtship: A courtship practice in Pangasinan

Taga-Amo courtship: A courtship practice in Pangasinan

                                                                                     

         Various forms of courtship and marriage practices have been noted among Filipinos.

          

          There are eight  modes of courtship common to Pangasineses and these includes serenading, reciting verses, writing of love letters, sending of gifts, flowers and other symbolic objects like two carved hearts held by an arrow, visiting, go between and  involves an object known as Taga- amo which means potion or drink.

          

          Taga-amo courtship should be taken to mean courtship by means of charm and its Tagalog term is Panggayuma.

         

          Taga-amo is not only meant to be drunk but it can also be in a form of oil dipped in herbs. When the oil is rubbed on a woman’s skin, it is believed that this woman will be a slave in love even if she hates the man at first. Pangasinan is located at the foot of the Mountain Province; that’s why it seems that the sources of the love potions are the Igorots and other tribes in the Mountain Province.

      

          Taga-amo could be related to the strictness of the parents. No touch policy of parents is not merely towards conservatism or puritanism but to avoid the danger of one’s daughter falling to the evil charms of the Taga-amo. This practice has no scientific basis yet, but the fact that it was widely believed in the province provides a reason that it is true and effective.

          

          Courtships don’t always result to tragic situations wherein the lover threatens to commit suicide because usually she confesses her feelings. It is only after marriage that suicide is discovered to be a palabas or put on an act. There’s no choice but for things to happen that way because the girl who immediately reciprocates is looked upon with low standards.

          

        

From us, To women who will marry soon

Violence in the family

Mrs. B., a legal secretary from New Jersey

“… got her first black eye from her husband two weeks after their marriage, after an argument. Her husband went to bed. She turned on the light. Infuriated, he smashed the radio, stereo, coffee table, then clapped his hands sharply over her ears, bursting an eardrum. She told her friends she had been hit in the face with a surfboard. He last beat her when she was seven months pregnant, knocking her down a flight of stairs, rupturing her spleen, necessitating an operation, and causing premature delivery of the infant” (W. King, 1977, in Schaefer, 1983).

Wife battering, child abuse, elder abuse, and other forms of domestic violence are common happenings in a family. According to the family therapist Robert Marks, “Violence in the home is nothing new at all. What has happened is that, for the first time, it is being discussed outside the home” (W. King, 1977, in Schaefer, 1983).

Sociologists have stated that domestic violence is hard to measure because people are reluctant to turn in their family members to the police. A researcher has stated that 20 to 40 percent of couples seeking divorce seek divorce because of the physical abuse that happens in their relationship. “Three other studies, including one in Canada, revealed a similar incidence of violence among married couples who were not contemplating divorce.” Moreover, in 1980, 16 percent, more than 2000, of murder victims in America were killed by their own family members (Department of Justice, 1981; Steinmetz, 1975; Strauss et al., 1979, in Schaefer, 1983).

According to the sociologist Murray Strauss’ estimation, at least 8 million Americans are assaulted every year by members of their family. He observes: “For any typical American citizen, rich or poor, the most dangerous place is home” (Time, 1979, in Schaefer, 1983).

“That’s no lady. That’s my wife!”

“A classic field experiment in violence involved ‘spontaneous fights’ staged by the researcher on public streets” (Borofsky et al., 1971, in Hess, Markson, & Stein, 1991). “There were four different scenarios: two women fighting, two men fighting, a woman beating a man, and a man beating a woman.” The goal was to observe the reactions of the bystanders. It could be expected that male bystanders are more willing to intervene than female bystanders but none of the male bystanders stopped the man who was beating a woman. At that time, the late 1960s, the experimenters thought that it might be that the male bystanders did not intervene because of the “uniqueness” and “ridiculousness” of the sight. The experimenters also allowed the possibility that the male bystanders did not intervene because they enjoyed seeing a man hurt a woman (Hess, Markson, & Stein, 1991).

When students were asked why the male bystanders did not stop the man from hurting the woman was maybe because the woman was the wife of the man. It can be concluded that a man has a right to use physical force on his wife, even in public. “This conclusion is supported by recent research on the ‘drunken-bum’ theory of wife beating, in which it was found that although excessive drinking was associated with abusive behavior, it was a much less significant factor than the cultural approval of violence by men against women in general and wives in particular” (Kantor & Straus, 1987, in Hess, Markson, & Stein, 1991). Excessive drinking and the accepted use of violence are more done by the working-class than the middle-class males (Hess, Markson, & Stein, 1991).

From us, To women who will marry soon

The two articles tell us that domestic violence, especially violence towards women or wives, do happen in families. It does not happen only in America or other foreign countries but also in the Philippines. It has even been concluded in the article "That's no lady, That's my wife!" that men are having the right to use physical force on their wives, even in public.

Knowing the fact that domestic violence, especially the violence towards women or wives, do exist, you, women, who will soon marry must be careful in choosing the man that you will marry. Before marrying a man, make sure that he loves you sincerely that he will not think of hurting you, emotionally and physically. Again, be careful in choosing him!

Reference List

Hess, B. B., Markson, E. W., & Stein, P. J. (1991). Sociology (4th ed.). New York, 

       New York: Macmillan Publishing Company.

Schaefer, R. T. (1983). Sociology. United States of America: McGraw-Hill, Inc.

“Gusto RIN kita.”

Ito na siguro ang mga katagang pinakahihintay marinig ng isang tao mula sa kanyang hinahangaan. In fact, hindi naman masamang mangarap di ba?

Lahat naman tayo nagkaroon na ng taong masasabi nating minsan nang nagpangiti at nagpakilig sa atin. Yung tipong gagaan ang sirang sira mong araw kapag nakatabi mo lang siya sa pila sa canteen. O kaya naman ay sa simpleng ngiti o “hi” lang mula sa taong yun, tila ba sasabog ka na sa sobrang kilig hanggang sa dumating sa puntong hindi mo na alam ang sasabihin mo kapag kausap mo siya dahil sa kabang nararamdaman mo kapag nakaharap mo na siya.

Anuman ang ating kasarian at estado sa buhay ay tiyak na dumaan tayo sa ganitong punto. May kanya-kanya tayong basehan ng pagkahanga sa isang tao. Ang gwapo sa akin ay maaaring pangit pala sa iba. Ang mabait sa akin ay boring pala sa iba. Marahil dahil ito sa pagkakaiba-iba natin ng mga gusto sa buhay. Dahil na rin sa mga aspekto na nakakaapekto sa pagkahumaling natin sa isang tao. Tulad na lamang ng kung gaano kayo kadalas magkita at kung gaano kalapit ang distansya ninyo sa isa’t-isa. Hindi ka naman maaaring magkagusto sa isang taong hindi mo pa nakikita. Samakatuwid, ang mga bagay na swak sa akin ay maaaring hindi pala pasok sa trip ng iba.

Ang pagkakaroon ng crush ay maaari nating ihalintulad sa pagsakay natin sa isang roller coaster sa mga sikat na pasyalan. Unang sulyap mo palang sa roller coaster ay tiyak na makakaramdam ka na ng kaba. Kaba na baka sa pagsakay mo rito ay baka mahulog ka dahil sa pangambang hindi matibay ang iyong sasakyan. Sa puntong naka-upo ka na at unti-unti mo nang mararamdaman ang pag-andar ng sinasakyan mo bigla ka nalang makakaramdam ng excitement. Kasabay naman ng pagbagal at biglaang pagbilis ng sinasakyan mo sa bawat matataas na parte ng roller coaster ay mararamdaman mo ang paglakas at pagbilis ng tibok ng puso mo. Bigla bigla ka nalang mapapasigaw sa pagtahak nito sa iba’t ibang kurba na siya nitong sinusundan. Mapapatili ka, mapapahawak sa iyong katabi at kapag nasa kalagitnaan na ay maiisipan mo nalang na umayaw at bumaba na dahil hindi mo na kaya. Sumasabay ang bilis ng roller coaster sa pagkabog ng iyong dibdib. Sa hinaba haba ng mga pangyayari, kapag natanaw mo na ang lugar na pagbababaan mo ay bigla mo nalang mararamdaman na unti unti na palang nawawala yung excitement habang unti unting humihinto ang roller coaster.

Ganyan magkaroon ng isang taong hinahangaan. Makakaramdam ka ng tuwa, takot at kaba at kung minsan ay sasakit pa ang iyong puso sa di mo maipaliwanag na dahilan. Ngunit kapag natapos na ang ilang minutong pagsakay mo sa roller coaster, ngingiti ka nalang at masasabi mo nalang sa sarili mo ang mga katagang, “Nakaya ko.”

Gift of Life

Sometimes we can’t help falling in love with someone who reminds us of someone to we used to love, and still love- that’s what I keep telling myself when I wonder why mama got pregnant by another man. I was nine when my father died and I never questioned why she never remarried. No one expected that she would get pregnant and not marry or introduce the guy and she just kept silent about the matter. Regardless of reason I learned to love my half-sister, conceived when I was seventeen.

               I was in third year high school when mama came to my room and asked me, “Would you like another sibling, a boy?”

               At first I thought the idea romantic- my mom finding some guy who happened to have a family and that the boy is older than I am so I have a kuya but another ading is fine- so I replied, “Yes.”

               I was surprised when her tummy was getting bigger and she said nothing about another family or stepfather, just that we were having a baby sister. At first I was upset because there was no stepfather but got over it easily because I can’t imagine loving someone as I love my papa. Then the baby was younger than me, being the eldest among us two and among my other cousins and having no age-mate made me ate and until wish now I had a kuya so that for once I don’t have to think about my sister and my younger cousins and be the one cared for instead.

               It was during Christmas on 2012 that Mahayana Amanda was born. She was one hairy creature with big eyes that kept on crying, and needed to be sung and cradled to sleep for hours. At first I thought she was a disturbance- there was always something to do for the baby and it was only recently that I got over this feeling of resentment over her. My younger sister even got mad at me because I acted as if the baby was not our sister.

 I was so scared because it was just supposed to be me, my sister, and my mom then suddenly it’s all about the baby- I was jealous like I never had been in my life. My mom was suddenly home all of the time unlike before where she just left us and the sense of freedom and authority me and my sister had enjoyed were now gone because there was the baby to think of. But I was so afraid the baby to me was about being tied down at home and I don’t want that. My sister on the other hand, being the ading, enjoyed and loved being an ate.

I still don’t understand why I felt that, but it was when I saw our baby sister start to walk, hear her talk or laugh, and just reach out to me that I started to see her as she was- a little girl with big beautiful eyes looking for comfort and love and giving it; she is adorable. Our relatives started asking who was the father and wanted to look into her face judging who she looked like and from that deduce who might be the father. It was at that moment when she was seated in my arms and hid her face from them that I realized- how come she is just a child still learning about the world about her and yet people look at her already with scorn for being born out of wedlock? It was then that I knew I had to protect her because she was my sister- I don’t care if we don’t have the same father as long as we have the same mom. After all, it was just us now- like my mother used to tell me and my sister when we quarrel “Kayo-kayo na nga lang nag-aaway pa kayo? (It’s just the two of you now and you still get to quarrel?)”, why would I turn her away?

Now my youngest sister, Yana, is three years old and whenever we go out other people think she is my baby, well she is our baby- mine, my sister’s and my mother’s. Among other things, she is pretty, has a knack for placing all her toys in her bag “Fixing” them, loves being tickled, and lastly loves pretending to be Anna in the movie Frozen.

Before she came, me my mom and my sister kept to our own rooms most of the time- we rarely talk so there was a lot things happening in our own private lives that the other does not know. It was only when Yana was born that we started to become a family again- going to church, watching movies, and just being together for each other. I was afraid for her, for us, and for myself but she opened up my heart and made me face my fears, for that I love her. Sometimes love does come around, and when it does learn to embrace it in whatever form it may be. 

Unwanted Children: Child Abandonment in European History

Unwanted Children: Child Abandonment in European History

“There are almost no demographic data for most of ancient and medieval Europe, but we do have some good records from the eighteenth century. In the late eighteenth century in Toulouse, France, for example, one child in four was abandoned. This was the average; the number was higher in poor districts, lower in rich ones. If that many children were abandoned in the eighteenth century, what of the centuries before? If we begin with the first century C.E., it is clear that children in Europe and the Middle East were routinely sent to live with rural families, sold, or “exposed” --- meaning they were left in places where they were expected to be found and taken care of. The literature suggests that this was a common enough practice to cause some later difficulties: There is a second-century C.E. story of an exposed boy who later sought marriage with a woman he believed to be his mother, as a way of forcing her to confess the relationship. Through the Renaissance, moralists warned against going to prostitutes because they might be the abandoned daughters of their patrons” (McNall & McNall, 1992).

“Possibly Germanic and Celtic peoples practiced child abandonment less than those who lived under the Roman Empire, since their codes of law refer to it rarely in comparison to codes derived from Roman law. However, their literature refers to child abandonment frequently. An eighth-century Old English riddle whose answer is “cuckoo” (the bird who leaves her eggs in other birds’ nests) is a pathetic description of an abandoned boy’s fate” (McNall & McNall, 1992).

“After Christianity became widespread, many children were given to monasteries and convents --- particularly ones born with deformities, which were regarded as evidence that their parents had sinned. Other children were given or sold to rich city dwellers or landholders as servants. Many continued to be “exposed.” Child slavery became common in Southern Europe. Neither church nor state absolutely forbade abandonment” (McNall & McNall, 1992).

“In early medieval Europe, the selling or abandoning of younger sons was a way to safeguard estates, whether farms or small kingdoms. However, between 1000 and 1200, primogeniture, whereby the oldest son inherits an estate, and other similar ways of securing a single heir were established in Europe. The number of children in wealthy households increased. This was also a time of prosperity for most of Europe, so even poorer households could afford more children. Bad times returned in the thirteenth and fourteenth centuries, and with them an increase in the practice of abandonment. Stories of abandonment became very common again --- often involving foundlings who rise to greatness, commit unwitting incest, or are recognized as long-lost heirs” (McNall & McNall, 1992).

             “By the fourteenth century, most cities had established foundling hospitals. This probably encouraged abandonment. It certainly led to appalling death rates among the children --- in some hospitals, as high as 90 percent. These children were not only especially vulnerable to the spread of disease, they received very little personal care. Such hospitals were in use in Europe for the next 500 years” (McNall & McNall, 1992).

Source: Boswell, 1988.

Reference

McNall, S. G., & McNall, S. A. (1992). Sociology. New Jersey: Prentice-Hall, Inc.

What Keeps a Marriage Going?

What Keeps a Marriage Going? (McNall & McNall, 1992)

Listed in order of frequency, the following are the top reasons respondents gave:

           Men

My spouse is my best friend.

I like my spouse as a person.

Marriage is a long term commitment.

Marriage is sacred.

We agree on aims and goals.

My spouse has grown more interesting.

I want the relationship to succeed.

An enduring marriage is important to social stability.

We laugh together.

I am proud of my spouse’s achievements.

We agree on a philosophy of life.

We agree about our sex life.

We agree on how and how often to show affection.

I confide in my spouse.

We share outside hobbies and interests.

Women

My spouse is my best friend.

I like my spouse as a person.

Marriage is a long term commitment.

Marriage is sacred.

We agree on aims and goals.

My spouse has grown more interesting.

I want the relationship to succeed.

We laugh together.

We agree on a philosophy of life.

We agree on how and how often to show affection.

An enduring marriage is important to social stability.

We have a stimulating exchange of ideas.

We discuss things calmly.

We agree about our sex life.

I am proud of my spouse’s achievements.

Source: Lauer and Lauer, 1985: 24.

Reference

McNall, S. G., & McNall, S. A. (1992). Sociology. New Jersey: Prentice-Hall, Inc.

After UPCAT, What's Next?

After UPCAT, What's Next?

The University of the Philippines is one of the most privileged schools to enter; passing the UPCAT earns recognition, respect, and pride especially from the family-well most of the time.

 Our family greatly influences our life and most of the time it falls on them to send us to school. The choice of school and degree to take, the school to enter, and the opportunity to take the entrance exam of a certain university or college involves both the child and the parents and other older people in the family; although not all people are given a chance to choose between what they really want and some don’t even provide support at all. After all, the choice is upon you if you continue the path already laid for you- as a token of gratitude or make your own despite all the odds and redeem yourself later on. Then again, not everybody is given the freedom to choose due mostly to financial constraints.

“When it comes to education, somehow we have the chance to voice out the school that we wanted to enroll in. Well, there may be times that some of us don’t have the chance to choose the university we want to go in, but I am fortunate enough knowing that I can have the choice. Of course, even though I have the freedom, I should still take some things in consideration. There are circumstances in life wherein we should also practice the ‘give and take’ relationship. It is not always our parents who are giving, sometimes it has to be us to give something in return.”

First of all, taking the UPCAT calls for parental consent or agreement; other families pressure their children to take the exam and enroll a certain course though some would just agree and leave the rest to their children.

“I told my parents about it and they approved of my selected course which was Computer Science and my selected chapter, which is Baguio. And so, the day came. I feel, sort of, frustrated that my parents didn’t even said anything nor gave any emotional support before I went to UP Diliman. I don’t either remember now if they even bothered to give me money or anything I could’ve used in taking the entrance test. My only company that moment was my older sister. She gave me a McDonald’s burger, took me to UP Diliman’s Math building then left after.

When I was inside, my frustration about my parents’ inability to be there for me grew. I saw several mothers and fathers joining their sons and daughters walk around to look for their classrooms, coach them some techniques on answering the essay question and other things that’d relax them before the exam starts. I was there…alone…without anyone to tap my back and say ‘good luck’. I was there, alone, praying for myself.”

 Next, monetary or moral support greatly improves a child’s confidence and self-esteem in taking one of the steps she considers most important in her life. Most parents process the application papers and help their children enroll themselves.

“Pinasok ako ng aking mga magulang sa isang review center upang ako ay matulungan ng review center na ito na mas madaling maipasa ang UPCAT.” (My parents entered me in a review center hoping it would help me pass the UPCAT.)”

“It was during July 2013, my mom started fixing my application form for UPCAT. She was the one who filled up my application form with the course of my choice. She even passed the form at UPLB herself. After the UPCAT, she processed other College Entrance Exam Applications for other universities and colleges. As we waited for the results, my mom told me that she prayed that I pass the exam every night.”

              

After the exam is the result- the agony, uncertainty, and excitement, and the hesitation to grab a chance in front of you. As the song goes, “…kung gusto may paraan, kung ayaw may dahilan…” there was mixed reception from the parents and students. Not passing the choice of campus under the expected degree may cause disappointment, but exhausting all the possibilities to be able to get what you really want (knowing that it’s the best chance you’ve got) and succeeding in the end proves yourself- it gains trust and support in your family and makes you believe in yourself. 

“Then, here’s January. Someone texted me I passed UPCAT. When I told my parents about it, they were even more surprised than me. They said I did a good job and that was it. Destiny. I don’t know if it’s a god thing or not. Either way, I believed in its existence now. And maybe it was destined that my parents’ absence was needed for me to strive harder.”

“I was a bit disappointed knowing that I did not qualify to be in my 1^st choice campus. But I also realized that it does not matter where I passed, what is important is that I am an UPCAT passer. Even though my parents could not directly tell their disappointment with me, I could feel how dismay they were that time. My problem did not stop there. I had a problem with the campus that I chose. From then, my hopes to be an Iska suddenly disappeared. I just accepted the fact that I am not meant to be in this university. My father then talked to me and filled up my hopes. He told me that I could still take the chance to be reconsidered in UP Baguio. By the time that I got my admission slip, we went to Baguio and took the chance. By that little chance, I am not sure if I am qualified to be enrolled in UP Baguio so I enrolled in other university. After a few weeks, I received an email stating that there is still a slot in BA Social Sciences.”

“…nang malaman nilang napasa ko ang UPCAT ay talagang natuwa sila. Binalitaan ng aking nanay ang aming mga kamag-anak na ako ay nakapasa sa Unibersidad ng Pilipinas. Ang aking tatay na hindi mahilig gumamit ng Facebook ay nagpost dito na ako, ang anak niya, ay pumasa sa UPCAT. Niregaluhan naman ako ng aking Lola, Tita at iba pang mga kamag-anak ng pera dahil sa kanilang pagkatuwa sa akin dahil ako ay nakapasa sa UP. (When they knew I passed the UPCAT, they were really happy. My mother notified our relatives. My father who doesn’t use Facebook regularly posted that her daughter passed. My grandmother, aunt, and other relative gave me money out of their happiness for me to pass the UPCAT.)

“Afterwards, my mom texted me telling me that I passed UPCAT. My mom and dad told almost everyone in the family that I passed UPCAT and I'll be studying at UP Baguio. Everyone congratulated me and said they are proud that I passed.”

“’Maybe it’s not meant to be, don’t argue anymore.’ That’s what my mom said, but after complications in the choice of course and the availability of slots in a certain school, we were forced to reconsider my application for UPB.”

               Now what? After all the ups and downs- with or without family support, we are in UPB. They say it’s hard to pass the UPCAT, but it’s harder to leave the university on time. We have made it this far, how far are we willing to go- what risks are we willing to take to prove our family and ourselves that this chance was worth taking? We got in, but it doesn’t end there, our family might have helped us get thus far but the final decision still lies on us, after all we are the masters of our faith. So, what’s next?